Biscuit’s best coronavirus job opportunities!

Biscuit recently heard that dogs were being trained to sniff out the coronavirus in human saliva. He thought this was a real opportunity for him to get out of the house and get a job! His nose is actually much larger and more useful than any other part of his body. He also can sniff some of the worst odors and enjoy the experience. 

I’m looking for a job to get out of the house!

Given this unique opportunity, Biscuit decided to examine what other jobs might be available for him in the coronavirus economy. 

2) CDC laboratory manager. Biscuit can make any laboratory filthy and dysfunctional, just the way that the FDA described the CDC’s respiratory pathogen laboratory. He’s really good at contaminating stuff like test kits as well. But he has competition from the CDC employees who also appear to be expert at this.

3) Vaccine developer.  Biscuit thinks that he could convince people that he can make a vaccine for COVID-19 without any prior success or record of accomplishment. He also thinks he could play possum long enough that people will forget about the government’s billion-dollar investment in his failed effort. 

Sampling dormitory poop will predict COVID-19 outbreaks at Universities?

4) Poop samplerPeople are detecting COVID-19 by sampling poop from university dormitories. Sampling poop is one of the things that Biscuit is best at and would truly enjoy the experience! 

Biscuit likes mindlessly looking at himself on a screen!

5) Zoom tester. There is nothing Biscuit likes more than sitting in front of a camera and watching himself on a screen. He often can convince himself it’s another dog that he’s looking at which makes the experience much better for him than it would be for any human being who has to sit in a Zoom meeting for hours. 

6) Contact tracer. Contact tracing for the COVID-19 infection is not easy since most of the individuals are asymptomatic. However, since no one with COVID-19 will talk to you anyway, the job has gotten much easier.

7) Social distancing enforcer. Someone has to enforce social distancing since no human being wants to do the job. The only concern is that people will bribe Biscuit with treats in order to get around the social distancing rules. 

Former FDA spokesperson Emily Miller.

8) FDA Chief Spokesperson. Here is a high-level job that apparently requires no training or expertise and gives you a lot of media exposure. If you bark loud enough for two weeks you will even get reassigned to another job where you don’t have to do anything!

After considering all these tempting options, Biscuit decided he’d lie down in the sun for awhile and delay his difficult decision until tomorrow.

Published by jbakerjrblog

Immunologist, former Army MD, former head of allergy and clinical immunology at University of Michigan, vaccine developer and opinionated guy.

6 thoughts on “Biscuit’s best coronavirus job opportunities!

  1. This is hilarious! Do you have any idea what percentage of our government employees need to be fired so we can start over? Certainly any hired since 2016 need to go, but the ones hired during G. W. Bush’s terms need to go too. There probably weren’t any hired during the Obama years since we were teetering on the edge of Depression.

    Like

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